Life after uniform: Coaching for a new purpose

Many people find it difficult to imagine what it is to serve in the military. They believe that every day must begin and end hugely regimented. Remembering scenes from films like Full Metal Jacket or Jarhead, where the main character had ill-conceived notions about defending their country and impressing those back at home. Only to find themselves woefully out of their depth. Days spent with room inspections at 0500 hrs and being made to clean the toilet with your toothbrush. Well, things aren’t quite that extreme. Though we do still use the 24-hour clock!

In truth, once you leave basic training – which, granted, isn’t any fun – and complete your specialist training most are just grateful to be out there being productive, contributing in a meaningful way. You see, many of us aspire to roles that simply aren’t possible as a civilian. Whether that’s because they don’t exist in the civvy world, or because entering that field is often highly competitive and requires resources at the outset that most ordinary people simply don’t have access to.

And then there’s the effect borne of years spent pursuing a goal. Seeing yourself in that uniform, doing that incredible thing. For many youngsters, this fills such a large part of their developing minds, that it begins to impact their very personality. And this only increases once you enter an environment filled with others who are just as dedicated and driven to achieve similar goals. So much of your will and effort is bent towards becoming that person, it’s no surprise how profoundly it can affect one’s identity.

And yet this story is certainly not limited to military service people. Indeed, many professions are highly reminiscent of the hierarchical structure of the Armed Forces. They would have required years of training and came with a sense of identity and pride when you can finally say “I’m a …”. And just like those who serve in the forces, when the time to exit that profession comes you can be left feeling directionless, fearful and very much like a part of yourself is now lost.

These feelings are all very natural – you’re human! Whether you’ve served in the forces for your entire adult life, or have never come within spitting distance of an L85A2 rifle, such a momentous change is bound to have a profound effect. And while the change might be necessary and even inevitable, suffering through it certainly isn’t. 

So as someone who’s gone through my own military-civilian transition, worked with many others and specialises in this niche as part of my coaching practice, here are a few simple points that can ease your landing when making a similarly large evolution in your own life:

1: Build a community

Having lived in that environment for so long, you become accustomed to the language, the culture. Common experiences and routines that allow unspoken understanding. There’s isolation and loneliness when you leave that world. Everything is different. People don’t laugh at the same things; you can’t connect with their conversation topics. You don’t really feel like one of them. While so much is changing, it’s important to consciously choose the people that you keep. Don’t underestimate the impact of maintaining special relationships from your past life and reaching out to others who have similarly transitioned. You can share stories, trade tips, feel like you belong. Home isn’t just the place you build a house. It’s the people you share it with.

2: Keep what you love

Whatever led you to leave that career, environment or even your home country, there were reasons you stayed for so long. Rays of light even while you acknowledged that the majority was no longer serving you. We all have examples of times that we felt bogged down, stressed and over-used. Then something appeared that made you think, maybe it’s worth it for this. When you leave that old world, why give up everything? Find those rays of light and be creative with ways to bring them into your new life. It might not be identical, but keeping its essence is often enough to maintain the drive and motivation to tackle today’s other challenges. And find gratitude while you’re doing it!

3: Create an inspiring vision

When we’ve spent years longing and investing in one path, it can be painful to choose another direction. After the hours, the energy, the dreaming that brought you here – how can you give that to something else? Even when you know you can no longer stay, it doesn’t seem possible to feel so strongly again. It’s here you can take comfort in the fact that leaving frees you to grow in a new direction. Through all of your trials and experiences, you’re not the same person. Take everything that you’ve become and all that you could be to craft a vision for your future that can alight and inspire you for years to come. That gives you purpose; whether it’s the same in a different form or something totally new.

In conclusion, going through any kind of transition is transformative and there’s a lot that we can’t predict. However, building a supportive community, keeping those things that you love most and creating an inspiring vision will ignite all of the energy, purpose and motivation to outstrip everything you’ve done so far. Use this fire and craft an existence beyond what you ever thought possible!

If you missed Olafemi's Coaching Conversations discussion on with our Head of Training, Sharon Lawton, you can watch the replay on The Coaching Academy's YouTube Channel here.

About Olafemi:

Olafemi Xavier is a Coaching Academy graduate, Performance Coach and NLP Practitioner.  Through his business, CoachWithMe.Olafemi, he transforms the training of military leavers and veterans into lives of purpose and achievement beyond their service.   Having served as an RAF officer for 13 years, he uses that passion developed over years of leading and sparking growth in others to now help service leavers build something real. A life worthy of all they've already given!